Can Domestic Violence Offenders Change? Here’s What It Really Takes | Opinion

Can domestic violence offenders really change?

As a social worker leading an intervention program for abusers, this is the question about my work that I am asked the most.

I am asked this at our large, all-staff meetings, where I sit among colleagues who work daily to keep domestic violence victims safe. I am asked this during conversations with probation officers, jail staff, defense attorneys and clinicians at local substance and mental health treatment facilities. I’m even asked this at my grandfather’s funeral while catching up with family members I haven’t seen in a while. And it was the first question I asked when I interviewed to work at SafeHaven of Tarrant County’s Battering Intervention Prevention Program.

Let’s start with a conversation about what we mean by “change.”

Do we mean will they go from persistently using tactics of power and control with their partners, perhaps slapping, pushing, sexually abusing, choking and threatening, to being consistently peaceful and equitable, even during conflict?

Or do we mean can they learn to stop being physically violent? Do we expect them to contemplate the effects of their abusive actions?

Or are we asking if it is possible for any kind of behavior change to take place?

In a 2021 evaluation of the 319 clients who attended and completed our 27-week intervention program in the previous years, 83 percent were in the final two stages of change — actively engaging in new, nonviolent behaviors and learning how to be accountable.

Here’s what one client said at the conclusion of the program: “If you open up your heart and mind, you can really understand what is being discussed. When I first started, I had a closed mind, but that had a dead end.”

Can domestic violence offenders change? Yes, that’s clear. But they often need a partner, therapist, family member, spiritual leader, friend, judge or law enforcement officer to require that they get help from an accredited intervention program.

From another client: “There is a part where you are able to relate to what other people are saying. The facilitators help us see a different way of looking at things. It was challenging to see the dominant role I was playing in our relationship. To let her have her opinion, it’s right for her. To make it right for us. For us to keep on moving forward.”

Domestic violence offenders often require a safe gathering with other offenders, operated by highly trained, non-judgmental facilitators, so they can experience accountability without minimizing, justifying, denying or blaming the violence they have perpetrated on their victims. They need a place to keep returning to share their growth and their relapses, so they can get feedback that is trauma-informed.

From another client: “I still struggle with making sure when I give my opinion, it is an opinion and not me acting my will upon her. Making sure that my intentions are pure and learning how to articulate my thoughts without it seeming like demands. … I think it’s a feeling of being equal.”

Can domestic violence offenders change? Yes. But relapses are often a big part of even the sincerest behavioral modification efforts. Lasting, positive change will probably take a lifetime, demanding that we meet each day’s unknowns with a million nonviolent responses.

It is true, offenders may continue to cause harm along their journey of trying to change. They may never become fully safe or fully peaceful or fully equitable in the ways that so many of us strive for in our intimate partnerships.

But they may stop choking their partners. They may stop using them for sex. They may never hold a gun to their heads again. They may start to share credit cards. They may stop shaming their partners or trying to turn children against them. They may stop calling their partners the worst names.

They may even become safe enough for her to leave.

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