Are You Safe Enough to Leave?

Note to Readers: While the pronouns in the piece below are written with the abuser as male-identified and the victim as female-identified, research shows a statistically significant number of men are victims of domestic/post-separation abuse at the hands of women. Please never disregard the experience of a victim because of their gender.

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If tomorrow morning, your romantic partner walks into the room and tells you they are ending the relationship, they are going— now, today, no more tries— would they feel safe enough to walk out that door and leave you?

There’s a well-known statistic in the domestic violence field: It takes a woman an average of seven times to leave a violently abusive relationship. Seven times.

Why?

You call her names that make her feel bad about her body or her intelligence. You play mind games with her. You force yourself on her sexually or you punish her by withholding and getting your needs met elsewhere. You call her a “bad mother” in front of the children, and then you act surprised that the children call her by the same names you do. You use bible verses to justify why she is supposed to be a devoted good wife to you.

If it’s so bad why doesn’t she leave?

You tell her she is your everything and then isolate her from her friends and family—deciding they are not good people for her to be around. You have only one car to share and you are the only one allowed to drive it. She is not allowed to work. But don’t worry, babe, I’ll give you everything you need. You tell her how much you’ll give her weekly or monthly as an allowance. If you need more, just ask.

What is still keeping her there?

Every time you get into an argument you slam the door and leave for an unknown amount of time. She is scared. Scared you will come back. Scared you won’t come back. You have the car, the credit cards. The mortgage, insurance and all legal documents are in your name. The kids are at home relying on her for the next meal, the next pair of clean clothes, to get to school the next morning. Even school enrollments are in your name. She doesn’t exist.

Statistics tell us that 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 10 men, have experienced physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner. Every fourth woman, every tenth man.

But an even more alarming number from the Bureau of Justice Statistics is this one: 34% of women murdered in the past year were killed by their intimate partner.

They are murdered when they are preparing to leave. Don’t you dare leave me. And they are murdered after they have already left. If I can’t have you, no one can. 

So, who are these people – these people who are emotionally, mentally, spiritually, economically, sexually and physically hurting their intimate partners? These people who are murdering the person they once loved because she is planning to leave or has already left?

You are.

The majority of domestic violence offenders will never be reported to the police. Will never be held accountable in court. Will never be placed on probation or parole. Will never be required to attend a Battering Intervention Prevention Program (BIPP). Will never be stopped— because they are violent behind closed doors, because they are only violent to their partners.

Men, women, people of all genders and sexualities: This is for you. For you who believe that you can control what your partner does and says. For you who believe that you can shut her up or make him pay. For you who were counting on nobody else knowing, no one else seeing.

We see you. There are no victims of domestic violence without you hurting them again and again and again.

So what should you do? Consider the following:

You are the only one who has the power to stop being emotionally or physically violent.

You need support.

You can change.

Enroll in a Battering Intervention and Prevention Program (BIPP).

Call a Domestic Violence Offender Hotline.

Email a social worker or therapist with domestic violence experience to set up an appointment to talk.

Talk to your pastor or spiritual leader.

Become safe enough for your partner to leave you.